maskofdeception

you’ve held my cries up to your ears
and slowly let my words decay
the rose you gave fermented with my tears
and i slowly shoved it away

each whisper is a holler that ticks the brain
as i tumble into the starry night
each grasp is abused to bruise the pain
as you crumble into the starry night

the stars align when you and i resign,
the heavens oh-so divine,
let us cheer and drink some wine,
celebrating an auspicious time…….

[jupiter; fri-15dec2006. 3:22am]

jakarta vs. kuala lumpur

[part 1: food]
jakarta:
mouthwatering doughnuts (j.co, krispy kremes, icrave), streetfoods (tahusumedang, goreng2an), sushi tei, siomay, ketoprak, daging balado, authentic padangnese.
kualalumpur:
roti canai, cheese nan (steven’s corner), takoyaki (asia cafe), golden ball (sushi king), hawker food delights.
winner: jakarta

[part 2: shopping]
jakarta: pim, pasar senen, mangga dua, itc (fatmawati, kuningan, etc)
kualalumpur: inexpensive zara, topshop, mng, miss selfridge, sungei wang and petaling street.
winner: (damn.. its hard to decide)

[part 3: chillout spots]
jakarta: scoops, circle k cikajang, kemang, malls (citos pim senayan), moss bakery, just about anywhere
kualalumpur: bangsar, klcc, bukit bintang, mamaks (lol), and oh my god! i don’t know where else.
winner: jakarta

i guess jakarta wins this round.

msn video conversation: lea, julia, iskren, kemi.

i miss swapping music with lea

i miss hearing julia’s cheery voice

i miss making sarcastic jokes with iskren

and it turns out,

they too miss little old me.

coming to the end of the first day of ramadhan.

my thoughts and confessions over a cup of teh-ice;
its’ been almost 3 months since i last touched my sejadah. i’ve been committing sins weekly, almost daily…i’ve let the the devil take over.
some people wonder why i don’t just pack away and call myself an atheist. i don’t know why, i still feel obliged. ramadhan is the time that i hope can help regain my faith.
with all the commotion errupting around islam and fundamentalism, i can’t help but be a tad bit influenced. I know i’m not as faithful as i was before. I don’t know what happened, how i got there. all i know is that i still need something to hold on to, something spiritual, something out of this world.

religion is a matter of choice. and for now, my choice is still to stick with Allah.

i admit the last update was not completely true.
and here i am again, reminiscing.
i’ve realized that i had captured every kodak moment i had in netherlands quite perfectly.
if only i could relive those moments, the small insignificant moments.
biking to campus, battling with the wind.
walking around herresstraat, enjoying the priviledges of the 25% H&M discounts.
coming back to a warm, homey apartment.
i’ve taken for granted such small things that, when i rethink about it, are in fact a necessity.
comfort.
privacy.
personal space.

i take pride in my high idealism.
so i might be difficult…. i do sweat on the petty things.
i’ve grown out of the phase. im highly complex. im individually collective,
collectively individualistic.
i got my goals in life. and im here to achieve it.

__ you who stands in my way.

no, im not depressed.
i’m just, slightly melancholic.
so what? ive mastered the art of adaptation. yada yada yada. yet, i miss those memories. each and everypart of it. beijing, jakarta, groningen. heck, i even miss maryland for some unknown reason.
i live, i move on, but i cant go back.

i want to go back.

just give me the chance to relive 1 memory from each country.

i miss each and everyone of you that has been a part of my life.
im sorry that im just never there. =(

all hail the writers of TIME magazine.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1226150-1,00.html

if only this article was written months before my highschool graduation, or my spring semester of freshman year in college, where i started my battle against my parents’ idealism.

i send my regards to all the high school kids currently in their sophomore year, struggling with SAT workbooks and chirpy parents, who are secretly plotting a scheme to get their children into their almamater schools, whether it be by calling up "old friends", or paying a grand total of $200,000 to the renovation of the research center, that will soon be named after them.

come on kids, let’s cry it out LOUD!
"WHO NEEDS HARVARD?!!?!"

it’s been (almost) a month since my move here.
malaysia is like a mixing pot of two of my favorite countries- china and indonesia.
the two best times of my life.

i’ve barely been online during the weekend.
i feel like i’ve come out of living under a rock.
like i have missed the last century
it feels like i have missed out on so much
as if new technology has been invented while i was away,
we all have flying cars
and aids have been fully cured.
and for some reason,
i like this feeling.

obliviousness rocks.

comeon, let’s not go online again!

admist all the complications, my search towards self discovery had resulted in disappointment.
i think.
i learn.
i dream.
    of high ambitions
i strive.
i gain.
    nothing worth my ambitions.

i’ve wasted;
my time, my energy, my tears,
your expectations, your money
his patience, his loyalty.

i’ve gained;
a new level of understanding….of loneliness.

boys and girls?
BE FUCKING LOGICAL WITH YOUR DREAMS.
AMBITION WILL ONLY FUCKING GET YOU THIS FAR.